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It's been 2 months since I last made a journal entry about my ingrown toenail. The good news is it's a lot better than last time, the bad news is that it's not healing properly. Later I've to go to the doctor to see what he can do. Knowing my luck he'll probably have it removed. It'll be a load off my mind but on the other hand it'll replace that load with another load of worry. I'm already a nervous wreck over it. I need support during this day since I'll be subjected to judgemental and condescending relatives later. They don't understand me. I'll have an ultimatum ready for them... for them to shut up or I'll cut them outta my life. All I'm asking from those who care is to pray for me.
Another year older and it's worse than last year.
Well it's my birthday again and it's not a fucking happy one! It's worse than last year because, in case people missed the journal back in December, my godmother passed away on December 8th from Leukemia. I always enjoyed her gifts on my birthday and at Christmas and her presence no matter where we were because she cared about me more than my own mother. Shocking I know but 100% true. My family and relatives still don't really care let alone understand me due to having Asperger's Syndrome. Here's to another year where I still wish I was never born let alone existed. If my godmother was alive and well she would eat their heads off, that's how much she cared about me. Even now I'm feeling lonely and forgotten about with 60 months (give or take). I know I should be used to it but I'm unable to do so.
Merry Christmas... I guess...
After the tragic passing of my godmother earlier this month I just can't be happy for Christmas anymore. Time heals all wounds says everyone but it leaves behind scars. This scar is deeper than any I've been dealt before. I'll at least try to enjoy the holidays but it'll be very difficult to do so. I thought 2021 would've killed me mentally but 2023 destroyed me both mentally and emotionally. I highly doubt that I'll ever be the same again. I'll try to carry on for my godmother's sake but for the most part I'll be alone in doing so. Enjoy your Christmas everyone but for me this Christmas and every other Christmas from now on will be darker than darkness itself. Every mother's day, birthday and Christmas from now on I've one less present to give and one less to receive (for birthdays and Christmases) and it hurts me deeply.
Now comes the hardest part... life without her.
My godmother's cremation was yesterday and to say I was crying is an understatement... I was inconsolable. Even now I'm crying. For the past few days I couldn't sleep properly, couldn't eat much, couldn't stop crying, or even smile. Her loss has broken me beyond all reason. She was fun-loving, caring and selfless and thought of those she loved without fail. All the fun is gone forever as she was the only one who understood me more than my own mother. The chosen songs made me break down big time but the last one called "Jealous of the Angels" by Donna Taggart... the lyrics to the song hit me like a convoy of 18-wheelers without brakes. I know she's no longer in pain or suffering but I know I'm selfish for saying that I wished she beaten Leukemia and was still alive. I knew her all my life but the past 16 months. She never complained about fighting her illness. People say God is merciful but at this stage for me he seems sadistic but that's the pain talking. Right now I
Rest in peace Godmother.
A few hours ago my mother told me that my godmother passed away. She was diagnosed with Leukemia back in July 2022 but everything the doctors tried sadly failed. The news felt like a dagger was plunged through my heart many times. The last time I felt that was back in March 2015 when my aunt died. She was fun, had a great sense of humour and understood me better than my own mother. We got along great together with a lot of witty banter. Sadly all of that is gone now and I'm left without another relative that I cared so much about. I kept hoping that she'd beat that damn Leukemia but no luck and no hope. Her death has left a void that can never be filled. All I can say is that she's no longer suffering from Leukemia. Rest in peace Gina, you're free of suffering now while the rest of us mourn your loss. You'll always be missed.
© 2017 - 2024 The-Celestial-Dragon
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you have my prayers. they may look at it and clean it up a bit so it can heal properly the rest of the way